I showed some friends of mine a few entries I made here. I've never shown this

blog to anyone before. It made me realize how earnest the tone is. I sort of

already knew that & having an opportunity to be so earnest anywhere was

definitely an important benefit of continuing to update this blog whenever I

could make the time. It gives me an opportunity to be more deliberate about the

voice I construct, I guess. (At least one of my friends thought that my

earnestness here wasn't exactly characteristic of what I'm like the rest of the

time, which honestly made me a little bit sad, but is totally reasonable.)

Hopefully I haven't somehow spoiled these advantages...!

I'm back to using my CD player regularly. The self-titled sunn O))) record is

really fantastic...I've also been listening to more John Zorn, including a lot

of PainKiller stuff.

For the past two or three weeks I've been working on one long poem, certainly

the longest I've written in a long time. It's over thirty pages now.

I went to a piercing shop today to have my earrings swapped out for studs. I've

had irritating piercing bumps that won't go away & they suggested that studs

would very likely fix this. I hope so! My new studs are little shiny blue gems.

I didn't expect to like that kind of thing but it just seemed so right when the

idea occurred to me.

I think I've been feeling pretty strongly up & down emotionally lately. Mostly

I've been getting freaked out about different social opportunities --- new

friendships, new relationships of various kinds. I've been getting in my head

about my value in the lives of some people I've been getting to know. Some days

I think I still feel really despairing. --- Throughout my life I've often had

the fear that my feelings of desire & respect for others will suddenly dry up

the moment that I either make a commitment to them or that they embrace these

feelings. I'm not really sure where it comes from but I've experienced it since

I was a teenager. I worry that there's a kind of corruption in me that will

hurt them & the kinder & more well-meaning they are, the more it's liable to

hurt them.

I was meant to meet up with a friend from the internet while she's been in town

recently, but unfortunately something bad happened to her & her partner the

other day & she no longer feels comfortable meeting someone new under the

circumstances. I was sorry not to meet her but it's completely understandable.

I really hope her & her partner can recover from what happened without needless

difficulty... --- We rescheduled this, so hopefully we get to hang out! I hung

out with a different friend from the internet during the week & I think it went

quite well. She makes me feel funny.

Lately everything feels like a horrible, senseless mess. It's about all I can

do to just keep in touch with the people I know & love. I don't understand how

anyone can feel stable, or feel like any of this is real or makes sense. It

seems to me like constant, violent chaos. How is everyone not exhausted all the

time?

I visited New York for the first time in my life & absolutely loved it. It felt

very intuitive to me as a place to live. I'd really like to go back sometime.

My favorite routine was taking the 6 up to 68th street, walking a few blocks

north to get a coffee, & then walking west to Central Park (crossing Park

Avenue, which was so amazing to me every time) where I'd find a nice spot to

read for a while. (While in New York I mostly read poetry by Saint-John Perse &

John Ashbery.)

I have a very fond memory of riding the bus with a close friend of mine to the

Guggenheim. We had a long, detailed conversation about some events from my life

that he had wondered about but never discussed with me. I even shared some

details with him that I've never told anyone. It was really nice. The subject

matter was serious but it wasn't awkward at all, he just did a good job

listening to me & I felt really comfortable sharing it with him. It was so nice

to be there, it was such a wonderful & fascinating environment for having a

nice experience like that. --- Now I almost can't believe I was ever there!

What a strange place.

This evening I was thinking about how long I'd have to live to have been on

estrogen longer than not. I think I'd have to reach the age of about 54. That

made me pretty sad. 54 feels really hard to reach, like even if no one kills

me, I can't imagine having enough energy to live that long. I get tired just

thinking about it.

I'm still dissociated, unfortunately. It's hard to tell how intense it is but

it definitely varies. I think it got pretty bad on Sunday. But I've just got to

keep truckin', right? I guess I'm still myself, as implausible as that seems.

Lately I've been reading a lot of T.S. Eliot & John Ashbery. I've taken an

interest in "Ash Wednesday" especially. I'm also hoping to finish the Beckett

trilogy soon & start "The Waves" by Virginia Woolf, & read some Whitman too.

--- I started "The Waves", I'm about 150 pages in. WOW!

I don't have any plan for my long poem. I think I'm trying to brute force a

poetics for a few different things I'm thinking about lately. --- Progress has

stalled...maybe it's done?

I went on four dates this week over four days with four different people. I

think they all went quite well but I'm quite tired...!

Sometimes it's difficult to tell where love ends & more base needs begin.