This evening I've been thinking, I'm so glad I'm a trans woman. It's all I can

imagine ever wanting to be. I'm so glad I got to be one, whatever else happens,

even if my life is short.

I'm very excited that "Deliquescence" by Swans has been released online, I've

never heard it before. I meant to get around to it, of course, but I guess I

didn't want to pirate from my favorite band! That's probably pretty silly. (I'm

listening to "The Knot" right now for the first time.)

I got two really cute new tops today, they're warm, long-sleeve t-shirts with

loops in the sleeve-cuffs. They're form-fitting, a little tight, but definitely

quite comfortable & look good on me.

This morning, though, I felt awful. I had a really awful feeling I couldn't put

into words just when I woke up. I had very stressful dreams that featured some

horrible things, but when I woke up I was thinking about young trans girls, I

had just seen some in my dream. They were wearing interesting clothing, maybe

some kind of cosplay. The feeling was connected to them. I felt so horrible I

could barely move. I had been dreaming that I was an underground courier in a

major political capitol. I was engaged in under-the-table deals for information

& had to travel through an infamous slum called "Nowhere Go". That was where I

saw some really terrible things.

I've also been thinking a lot about consciousness & being. I'm not thinking

anything substantive, mind you. I'm just reflecting on what I don't understand.

I certainly don't understand the fact that I exist, or that someday I won't.

It's been far too long since I made a piece of visual art!

I've been reading "Girls' Last Tour", it's great. I'm also reading "Damned to

Fame", a biography of Samuel Beckett, who meant a lot to me when I was a

teenager. After that, I don't know...I want to finish "Theorem" by Pasolini.

I've repeatedly had to stop reading that book because I just find it too

moving, too overwhelming, I don't know. I don't think any book has ever

affected me so intensely. I'd also like to finally finish the Divine Comedy,

which apparently had a big influence on Beckett. (I mean, who didn't it

influence?) I also have a new book of Wittgenstein's letters to read!

You could say that lately I've been having a crisis of faith.

Every time I read Emily Dickinson, she just knocks me right over, she's the

best.

I'd like to get back into Ezra Pound & read "The Pound Era" by Hugh Kenner.

I saw Bob Dylan in concert again, oh my God!!! He was so good!!! I love him!!!

Lately I've been thinking that far & away one of my favorite opening lines to

any song ever is from "Sugar Baby": "I've got my back to the sun 'cause the

light is too intense; / I can't see what everybody in the world is up against."

Michael Gira sure loves moaning. I like that guy very much.

I've worked on it for many years but I think my understanding of poetry is

still *really* crude.

This afternoon I went back to a cafe I haven't been to in a long time where I

used to be a regular. The guy working there remembered me & was extremely nice

to me & gave me a cookie for free, just because I hadn't been back in so long.

It's so nice to have interactions like that, people really don't have to go out

of their way for you but they do, even just to make small talk. We don't know

how much we figure in the minds of others, we really don't. We have no idea how

many people are glad to see us stop by.

I had a wonderful day yesterday, but today I've felt pretty rough. My dad

suggested that I'm "brittle" at the moment & I reckon he's right. It was a

wonderful day but a long day & I'm sure it wore me out.

I'm also feeling sad about the end of an important relationship.

One of my best friends is moving back to my city in less than two months, I'm

so looking forward to having him around again! He spent the summer here last

year & we went out a lot, it was great fun. I don't think I'm in any condition

to have that kind of fun right now, but I'm sure with time I'll be doing much

better.

I'm going to start an SSRI. I hope it helps.

I want to get back into classical music. (Don't I just want to buy more CDs?

Maybe.)

My Dad said something really nice to me today. It came up so randomly. I don't

understand why I should be so lucky --- in general, I mean. I don't understand

why I'm still alive & other people have to die.

You'd give anything to bring certain people back from the dead, wouldn't you?

I spent most of my free time today & yesterday continuing to read the Beckett

biography, which is dry but quite good. --- Sometimes he strikes me as very

sympathetic but for such a detailed biography it's actually kind of remarkable

how hard it's been for me to form a consistent idea of his personality. Maybe

that's more on account of how clotted my head's been lately.

I WENT TO A FARM & SAW A PIG! Her name was Cora & she was HUGE! So

beautiful...she was fuzzy & dull black, with a pink-dappled snout. She mostly

slept but roused a bit & at one point lumbered into a different spot. It was

pretty hot this afternoon so I totally get why she'd wanna take a nap. My

friends & I also saw some goats, sheep, cows, ponies (very pretty), & a snake.

Yay, I've written ten of these! It only took me a few years.