It's almost Christmas. I'm quite tired.

This morning I got dressed quickly, very quickly, because I forgot my phone in

my car last night and wanted to get it back before I did anything else.

For no apparent reason I've been reminiscing lately about the underage drinking

I used to do as a teenager. This almost exclusively took place in Portland even

though I didn't live there. A friend of mine had a car and I seem to recall

that we had to drive somewhere unprecedented to get alcohol every time ---

there was no consistency. I think I had fun while it was happening but this

morning these memories mostly concern and embarrass me.

Lately I've been listening to Joanna Newsom a lot, I think she's wonderful. But

just now I'm listening to "Tago Mago" by Can, a band I'm also getting into and

enjoying. I'm listening to a decent bit of stoner metal too, bands like

Electric Wizard and Sleep. --- I recently got a copy of Harry Smith's

"Anthology of American Folk Music", as well as some CDs by Jean Ritchie, and

I'd like to listen to them very soon, maybe over the weekend. --- Gosh, Damo

Suzuki has a lot to say. I should have started work by now but I'm going to

finish "Tago Mago" first.

I'm learning how to read Tarot cards again instead of going to therapy.

I wish I had a girlfriend (or boyfriend). I also wish I had a wife (or

husband). These wishes feel completely different somehow. Maybe it depends on

how good of a day I'm having whether I want a girlfriend or a wife.

Doesn't everyone want a calm, safe home above everything else, even if it means

living alone?

I socialize with far too many people for it to be sustainable and must be

looking for something that I can't name and haven't found yet.

I have a lingering dry cough at the moment and it wakes me up in my sleep.

Yuck!

I'm a careful person and I lose very few of my possessions, but I recently

misplaced a prayer bracelet. A friend suggested that this means it's served its

purpose and protected me from something. I thought it was serving its purpose

pretty well in prayer, but oh well.

Yes, if I'm having a bad day, I probably want a wife more. If I'm having a bad

day, I want to hide from the world with someone safe, and you'd have to be

pretty devoted to someone to hide with them.

My rule for these blog entries has been to write 1000 words each time, even

though that's barely readable.

When I got old enough to realize what sex was, and consequently that the

mysterious subject adults were always alluding to was just sex and nothing

better, I was really disappointed. But when I eventually found out about BDSM I

was much more satisfied, because I felt I had finally discovered something

worthy of all that reverence and circumspection. --- Is it because as a child I

hated pain and loved pleasure, whereas as an adult it's more complicated? No,

that's not quite it.

I'd like to ride a bicycle again, but mostly because I'd like an excuse to use

one of those very old-fashioned bike lanterns that uses a candle.

Right now I'm reading "The Sun Also Rises" for a book club and I'm enjoying it

so far. --- I'm planning on reading a lot of Weil and Wittgenstein because I

can read again for the first time in many months and I love both of them very

much. I'm also trying to get into Giorgio Agamben for the first time.

I've never been much of a visual artist but I'm thinking about it a lot lately

and I'm going to try and learn how to draw, even if only in a crude and

colorful way.

Don't put me on the spot!

How are we going to make something really interesting? It's hard.

A sense of routine is important, but it would be even better to use that

routine to produce work that you're even a little bit proud of.

No, you can't look at a person's face and see just how much they've changed.

I'm looking forward to seeing my little brother again at Christmas.

My plan for this Sunday is to eat Ethiopian food at the Farmers' Market even

though it's expensive, then go to a Christmas market in the International

District.

I really need to find a few more comfortable, simple, robust skirts and

dresses. I always use the word "robust" to describe the skirts and dresses I

want because I'm rarely comfortable with clothing that feels fragile.

Every now and then I think about a sweater brand that's much more expensive

than I can afford. But I do this with lots of things, like shelving and

stereos.

Should I make a "Resolution Bingo"? Why not!

Like a lot of people, I feel insecure when people younger than me achieve a lot

of fame and success for something I wish I were good at.

My bank is experiencing technical difficulties...I ought to go for a walk.

"In order for language to be possible, every speaker of a language necessarily

identifies their metaphysical self with the world just to the extent that

there's no selfhood without a world to realize it and no world without a self

to recognize it. This provides some account for the connection between

self-hatred and hatred of the world --- ending the self because the world is

beyond ending (as if it were somehow the only act that could ever come close

enough, the only one that exhibited the right formal similarity)." Is any of

this correct?

I miss someone all the time lately but refuse to do anything about it.

I'm going to have to own up to my lack of discipline, yes! But I know that I

also need to learn how to be alone.